i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
