I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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