so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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