he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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