Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
