this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
