it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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