I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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