Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
