today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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