Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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