Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
