this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
