Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
