I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
