You can't special order awesome
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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