did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
