he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
