Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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