Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
