remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
