oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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