tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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