I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
