i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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