i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
