You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
