just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
