What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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