corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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