Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
