3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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