Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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