I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
