yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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