My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
