very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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