i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
