Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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