She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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