Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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