Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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