i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
