Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
