I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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