i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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