we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
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