I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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