Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
areolas are like halos for boobs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
