I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
