There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
