god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
