Your face is a jimmy john
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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